Sober 12+ years, this is what I have learned on getting rid of the toxic waste thoughts we all have

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Raised in a home more like a battlefield than a home, I carry a ton of scars. Those scars badgered me with crippling poisonous thoughts holding me back, defeating me daily. Finally, after thirty years of trying to get sober, relapsing, trying to get sober again, relapsing, therapy, and AA meetings, I finally found out HOW to get those damn scars to shut the hell up and leave me alone.

I did this: I accepted “HOW” they made me feel.

Again: I accepted “HOW” they made me feel.

Let’s think about that: My feelings tormented me growing up beaten up by horrible people who bullied and abused me. Put downs, dreadful punishments, discounted, told no one would love me, I would do nothing well, I would never have my family’s approval no matter what I did, I never measured up. Even following their instructions to the tiniest detail made no difference. They ALWAYS found fault with me.

So, how did that make me feel?

Shattered. Fragmented. Torpedoed. Defective. Useless. Unloved. Defective.

Those problems showed up daily; routinely, I sabotaged myself. It was the most exhausting battle. I wanted to get ahead, but I undermined everything I tried. I changed jobs after about a year, running scared they would find me out. I worried the bosses would find out what a fraud I was and fire me after a big scene.

It is no wonder I drank; I didn’t know what else to do because congestion saturated my brain with that negative toxic waste reigning supreme.

Can you relate to my writing? What thoughts bother you? How do you talk to yourself? Do you know where your negative, defeating thoughts come from?

Mine came from the people who raised me. Who pounded the negative trash that bounces around in your brain, crippling you?

So, now, how do we get rid of it? Some people can reason it out of their thinking. I read up on how therapy works and how to do this or that. The advice helped others; I knew that. But it didn’t help me. I had to go to the source and consciously ACCEPT HOW their behavior made me feel.

Learning about subjects I knew nothing about, I found out that my emotions were doing their job. They let me know something needed my attention. Those hurt feelings are all mine. I could attend to them as easily as I would take care of a broken nail or a cut or any physical wound.

My emotional wounds, jumping around in my head, needed my validation. They were mine; they belonged to me and only I could put those stuffed, hurting, aching bruises at rest to heal the gaping wounds in my soul.

Once I acknowledged them, including crying, grieving for what I lost, they settled down. And another astounding thing happened. My thinking became logical.

I felt stronger, happier, more confident. So, I kept going. I watched movies that made me cry because I knew the painful topics would trigger something tormented inside me I needed to face.

That is important to understand because where we see people acting out, or hiding behind their computer screen trolling and bullying others, that is what we are seeing.

Something unresolved gets triggered and boom, out it comes! Every time we speak, we show part of our inner landscape. That inner landscape builds as we grow up, beginning in our infancy. Until we sit down and purposefully recognize our triggers and disarm them, we will always be at their mercy.

Would you like to know the best part of all this? When you go through this process yourself, you see firsthand how it works. You learn cause and effect and the best part is you can help others with your experiences and the progress you have made in your life.

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